Soul Ravine

8:01pm: Marvel and DC
LOL!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NlLeCu63HCA&feature=response_from_watch

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1n3VSw1XBOo&feature=dir

4:54pm: Username Meme
Because I am a lemming
Username: Avernus
Meaning: Avernus is a lake in Italy believed to be the entrance into the underworld. It's also assumed that Dante enters hell through the cave at Lake Avernus, and Aeneus from the Aeneid visits the Sibyl here. I chose the name because I was on a real Inferno kick during the time. Well that, and I am emo.

12:30am: Return to the Past
For some reason I privatized this when I posted it. It was awhile ago but seeing the "past me" answer random internet questions makes me laugh.
Even on the inside.
( Questionnaire )

11:46pm: Is Not Real
Sure.
But I can't do that.
Well...maybe.
Hope.

7:35pm: Thinking
Not sure how to post for now.
Things could be really bad or only kind of bad.
The kind of bad you can hardly wish on your most hated enemy.
I would never wish this on anyone.
I don't think I know anyone strong enough to take it the way she does.

6:10pm: It started to grow on me too
My pics of me with black hair...I am dyeing it closer to my natural color soon...so I decided to put up some pics. These pictures actually look nothing like me, which is why I chose them? Maybe lol. Oh and there is a red one in there only because I forgot my hair was ever THAT red. Wow.


( Oh Black Hair, Won't You Come... )

1:14am: Wondering
"The only way of knowing a person is to love them without hope."
- Walter Benjamin

Is that really true? Or should it be "One way of knowing a person..."

Can people do anything without hope?

10:50am: I don't really know what to say anymore.
Things have changed in the smallest ways, yet the overall picture remains the same.
Sigrid was married about 2 weeks ago. She seems very happy and I wish her and Justin the very best. I went to her reception last weekend.
It was good to see her family again, they were all surprised by how much I had changed. Yet they could tell it was me by my voice.
Have I really changed that much? And is it bad change or good?
Or maybe change can't really be bad in it's own way...it's just an inevitable process of life.
I don't know.
I wish I could post here and say that things are okay.
That things are truly better and that I am fixed.
But it's just not true. At least the nightmares are becoming dreams again.
There are a lot of things I just don't know how to handle anymore.
Yesterday I almost ran up and pushed someone off their motorcycle.
Because I thought, "It's him."
Because I thought he deserved to know what I think of him, and what I think of everything he said and did.
But it wasn't him, and the 1/4 of a second it took to process that was already too slow to delay everything else.
I thought some places were safe but really...they aren't. No place in the bay area is.
I become paranoid and anxious in the city. Partly because I already know something bad will happen...or something bad IS happening.
Yes...it's mainly because of that.
That's one reason why I want to get away so badly.
I will leave the country if it means I never have to see him or anyone he knows ever again.

12:17am: Comments unravel me...no matter how good natured or oblivious or right they may be.

7:51pm: What Went Wrong
The hardest question to answer is "why?"
Why you
Why this
Why that
Why not
Why so
Why now
Why me

It's the only question I asked of you, and you never gave me an answer that wasn't obvious bullshit.
You don't grow, you haven't in at least 5 years. And you don't adapt: you are as stagnant as the cesspool you should be living in.
And you don't change, since you gave me the same lines 5 years ago that you did 6 months ago.
There is no self-improvement, and I think that alone proves you are simply a waste of air, and one of the worst human beings I know.

8:31pm: Yuber, you sexy man you
Yeah the title makes no sense, or does it!?
Ok it doesn't.
Anyway.
I can't sleep
I woke up last night at 4am from a very lame dream, and I couldn't fall asleep again. I debated going into work really early, but instead I just sat in bed until 5:20am.
The dream was so retarded too. Like they all have been in the last 15 days or so. I don't know nor care what this means.
Aside from the fact that I can't sleep.

8:52am: Deja no
Sunny, perfect weather days give me the worst case of deja vu ever.
I literally stood at the window and stared for about ten minutes, remembering things so clearly it hurt inside.
For some reason, it reminded me of walking to C's college house before we left to China Camp where the Robin Hood short was being filmed.
It also reminded me of taking a walk in GG Park with Sigrid, and staring out the second floor kitchen window of C's old place and eating blueberry pancakes.
That is one thing that really frustrates me about sunny days. They remind me of SO much. Certain overcast days are similar but for some reason it's easier to ignore.
The feeling of want is just too much sometimes though. Like you can desire something with every fiber of your being and it will always be gone forever. And of course it will.
Those things live somewhere far behind you now.
Much like the chirping of a bird reminds me of Grizzly Park.
Gah, too many memories.
Well no...too many memories I want to relive.
It makes me regret my life; it makes me feel like I have the most pathetic existence now.
Because I sort of do.
I have wasted everything.

I spend most of my week working and, when I get home, I stay in my room.
Yeah that's...that's pretty much it.

10:58pm: Awesome
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09vfa4vuHFY&NR=1

and

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RERXiliJfdI&feature=related

This is so awesome, almost as good as watching a shamisen master live at SFSU.
Paired with the Taiko drummer it's amazing.

8:16pm: Random
Oh my...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGfaQCY_bo4&feature=related

I wonder if anyone ever comes over to his house.

8:51pm: If You Can
He was nice.
But...nothing. I have never felt anything.
Things are always just the way they are.
I need time, but no one wants to wait for me.
I don't care what other people think. But at the very core of that I do care. The heartwood is more sensitive than I like to admit.
I guess I just don't care what the nameless faces think.


I wish things weren't so bad with you. I didn't realize they were until I talked.
You are not a good person in so many ways. I actually hate you so much more now.
And I doubt I will stop hating you.
If you died, I would not cry.

10:02am: Changes...again.
( Large Pics )

8:16pm: Initial
I find sources of empowerment from strange places I guess. Or maybe I don't, but really we all look for what makes us special and unique. We look for the things that set us apart from everyone else, something that brings a bit of clarity to the blur.
I had something like that. It was something that made me unique, if not special. I didn't know anyone else the same way, and it was something quite rare.
But now it's gone.
I have to say, it was incredibly disappointing and unspectacular. In some ways I expected that but in other ways I could expect nothing. Let's just say it was almost a horrible experience. Not because of this or that but because of a set of words I will never forget, and nothing makes you feel so...worthless...as to hear those words.
Maybe that is really why I hate him so much. The way it began and ended. Were horrible.
But speaking of empowerment, there are so many ways to find it. Maybe some people never do. I know those who seem rather content at just being who they are, and that has always been their source of power.
Mine has been harder to find this past year.
I was missing myself. I still am, there are pieces I will never see again.
But the current result is rather interesting.
The things that hurt the most, the things that haunted me for so long are becoming something more than just pain.
The fact that I cannot be loved, the fact that I am not good enough to be cared for, has become something more than heartbreak.
It's more than the matters of friendships and even family.
But the uniqueness that I once had I have found again in a different form.
The prospects die for a few reasons but many of them have to do with me.
My uniqueness lies in the fact that I cannot be loved. I have wonderful friendships and a family I would die without...but having a rare talent for such disastrous ends to matters of the heart is a clarity I can see in my world now.
I'm not saying I am proud of it. But is has becoming something that is intrinsically "me." And I can see this as a source of empowerment, as a way to be something more than a blur.
If that girl cannot be loved, if she cannot be with anyone or find someone desperate enough to be with her then she is something sharper than the thousands of images beside her. She is clear and sharp and exposed in a way only reality can juxtapose. Maybe people laugh behind her back, maybe others feel sorry but it can still be her power.
Overcoming that fear, the fear so many people have, can be her own source of survival. It's the hardest to embrace, the hardest to willing admit to oneself, and the hardest path to travel.
Maybe there is no happy ending to that. I am even willing to admit there most likely isn't even a good ending to that story. But she overcame something that stopped her from living.
People are simply surviving, whether you have someone or not. Life just becomes better when you are surviving for someone else.
But for those of us who cannot do that, for those of us who are different from the rest, we can maybe find another path, another way down the mountain and up the next.
I have never met anyone like me. I have talked to many people, and I cannot find someone who was never loved or cared for by another person they were with. Whether they falsely believe it's love doesn't really matter.
All that matters is what you think. How you feel. And how you treat others.
Because that's how we live.

1:37pm: Under the Bridge
A couple of things bug me. I don't know why but the topic has come up often enough for me to give some thought about it.
People are under the misconception that white girls are not into Asian guys and Asian girls just want white guys.
Maybe SOME people are like that but certainly not a vast majority. Maybe this was the case years and years ago but now I can definitely tell you that this is in no way a current trend. At least in the bay area.
It actually makes me angry when people say that Asian guys can't get white girls. That is such bullshit. Besides, ever stop to consider that most guys PREFER Asian girls? I guarantee you that a majority of Asian men have Asian girlfriends not because that is the only option but because that is the only one they want.
All of my classes at SFSU taught me one very annoying fact aside from whatever subject the teacher dribbled on about: Most guys want an Asian girl. Period.
Now this might just be "Most guys in my classes for four years wanted Asian girls over white girls" but the fact remains I was constantly insulted because of this. People would comment how only Asian girls are pretty then look at me and say "sorry."
W..T...F
First off I never asked for their opinion on ANYTHING. I also often heard Asian girls (98% of one of my classes) talk about how ugly white guys are.
It made ME feel bad, because obviously the same was true on the other end.
Living in SF pretty much taught me one very major thing: You have to be Asian to be pretty or desirable.
I think maybe in Sacramento many girls who were not white thought they should be, in order to be attractive.
Is it because of the population percentage? But if that was true then why do the white guys all want Asian girls even in Sacramento. And I can't even count how many times I was rejected by someone because I was not Asian, even in Sacramento. My friend had many Asian boyfriends because everyone thought she was half Vietnamese. She's actually French/Cajun but people just cared about looks and nothing else.
I always wondered why she had so many guys after her when we went to the clubs (on Asian night because she wanted to). Everyone there was Asian or 'Asian-looking' except for me. And I was horribly ignored.
So next time someone says Asian guys never get white girls, I think they need to live as me for a few weeks. Everyone wants an Asian girl. Hell I have always been rejected because of this fact. All of them dumped me and ran off to get some girl, who happened to have Asian descent. Coincidence? I think not.
So I think I will just read about "man-feelings" and not think about either end.

1:37pm: Hi-larious
This guy is so funny! I love his girl's voice and male dancer voice haha.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XzmgntPFp7g&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bw3300PFZc&feature=related

7:29pm: I've held books before, and I gotta tell you...they don't exactly do it for me.


Possibly my favorite character ever.

10:39pm: Fettered
And it is dark, because they only break you in order to keep you.
The problem is when they break you and don't care to keep you.

11:17am: So a Panda and a Stormtrooper walk into a bar...
No seriously...they walked into a bar. Antonio's Nuthouse to be precise. If I figure out how to upload a pic from my phone I will show ya. They were carrying a cake too.
Anyway it's a dive bar...well a dive bar for PA which means it's really not bad at all.
C and I had a few drinks and enjoyed the atmosphere while catching up on recent events. N and P joined us for dinner at Wang's too where N was the hapless victim (male observer) of our friendly banter.

I want to be better.
Before now I'm not sure I actually did. I was pretty apathetic to everything. I still sort of am but at least I WANT to get better. I don't want to be sick anymore on the inside.
Really I just want to forget but no sense in wishing for things that can't happen.
I just want to be sane again.
And I want to apologize to friends and family for my actions and my words. I'm sorry I made you feel badly, I'm sorry that I made you feel like you meant nothing, I'm sorry that I hurt you all.
I had to react and I did. It wasn't the best reaction and it wasn't healthy at all. It STILL isn't healthy.
But I want to thank my friends and family for being there....always. I know who my true friends are and that means a lot to me.

4:20pm: "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
I'm sure you're happy now.
You're not the one who questions if you are able to be loved. I'm sure you never did, and even IF you did someone disproved that for you.
Thanks for being an asshole to me though.
Everyone runs away. I don't know why people can't stand me. Friends? Fine.
Anything more and people run away like they hate my guts and can't wait to get away from me. I don't even get a kind departing word or gesture. No kindness, nothing. Just...nothing at all.
I really hate you.
I hate you for being such a lowlife that you can't even treat people right. All you care about is getting enough compliments for the day.
Well I hope you REALLY understand just what kind of human being you are. And if that is ever in question I will happily tell you.
Because you deserve to know how much of stupid scumbag you really are.

6:41pm: emo increased by 1
"The cherry blossoms are coming, and they're going to take my tortillas! Get that cow out of the way!"

"Why do I keep mistaking logs for people!?"

"Ow my boobs, I need those for seducing!"

Naruto Abridged freaking rocks! Lmao
(vegeta3986 & Masakox)
Prolly only funny if you watched the series. Yeah I watched it, so sue me.

The first one is really ghetto...kinda like the first episode of ask a ninja. If you wait, it gets better.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9kRIdaQMdA&feature=related episode 1

12:30pm: 360, but more like 180
One of the most realistic games I have ever seen.
This is the progeny of what was a B-movie parody back in the day.
Amazing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILuP43jcaXw